When I was about 7 years old my dad took me to blockbuster and I really had to pee. Blockbuster didn’t have a restroom so I peed in one of the aisles. I’m pretty sure the cameras saw me but thankfully there was no one near me.

When I was 9, my dad and I were reading Reader’s Digest and found a magazine subscription card for a free case of Depends adult diapers, so we wrote my uncle’s name and address down and put it in the mailbox. He got it a couple weeks later and called everyone in the family to find out who it was. We knew my uncle was fuming, so we kept it to ourselves. To this day, everyone suspects that it was my other uncle.

When I was in elementary school, I once lost something so I asked to go to the lost and found. In the lost and found room, which was a big storage closet, they also stored the cokes for the pop machines. I took one. Then, probably 3-4 times a week, I’d “remember” I lost something else and go steal another coke. I don’t know how long I did this for, but I got a lot of free coke.

When I was in 4th grade , I put mustard in one of my friend’s burger because he had told me that he hated mustard. turns out he was actually allergic. he didn't come to school for 3 days and I was scared that I killed him. to this date no one knows that I did it.

Probably 15 years ago my sister had a gerbil and one day I decided to bring it out of her cage and surprise her in the living room with it. Somehow I slipped on carpet and the gerbil went flying headfirst into the wall, it basically sounded like a threw a golfball at the wall and the gerbil wasn’t moving. Naturally I put it back in its cage and removed myself from the vicinity. To my amazement the damn thing was still alive and moving around a few minutes later and lived another 2 years without anyone ever knowing that I basically kobe’d it into the wall at full speed.

I cant remember how old I was. It was dial-up internet era. Im now 29. But we received a phone call. Im not sure if i was home alone or why I answered it. But a man called and explained to me that my dad had affair with his wife. I hanged up and never told anyone except my therapist like a year ago. It has not bothered me much tbh, but it was sweird experience lol

My first job in highschool, I had been there for a couple years, some new kid came in and told a bunch of lies to the owner about stuff I had “done at work”. I wasn’t questioned just let go immediately. On the kids next shift my best friend and I went and placed large nails up against all of his tires so when he drove forward they would go right into his tires. I hear he had to replace all four. That was 20 years ago and I still side eye when I see him around town.

Bro in 3rd grade I thought it was cool as hell to wear glasses but I had near perfect vision, so I absolutely bombed an eye exam on purpose and now almost 20 years later I’m legally blind without glasses cause my eyes got so fucked. That’s my secret to take to the grave

I used the other gender’s deodorant. I know it’s made for a woman, but it’s strong enough for a man!

I dropped two burgers on the floor twice this past year and still ate them. Turns out, floor burgers are pretty good.

About 20 years ago I worked for a big publisher. They were upgrading all their tech and just dumping it in a skip. I asked a security guy if I could take some stuff from the skip and he said to help myself as it was all going to get crushed anyway. During a night shift I filled up my car with of beige G3/Quadra Apple Macs, keyboards, mice and some 19” Formac screens. Some of the macs had Quark Express and Photoshop on them. I cleaned them up and sold the lot. I made enough to buy a G4 Quicksilver of my own which I still have today. I didn’t tell my co-workers, ex-wife, managers or anyone else.

2 days in a row when I was in the second grade I pissed My pants, because the teacher had this policy where she wouldn’t let any student go to the bathroom even during free time in class. The third time I spent a solid 10 minutes begging her before she finally said fine, I pissed My pants on the way to the bathroom. My family only knows of the one time but I had to deal with that humiliation two times before and it was within the first week at school. After that I had a water bottle that I pissed in during her class for the remainder of the year. I don’t know what she was expecting if somebody who just moved in with zero friends would be doing in the bathroom. But honestly if I would have the opportunity to go back in time I would rather tell my own self to piss on her desk because that would have been less humiliating than pissing my pants 3 days in a row.

This is not that good, I spent most Saturdays with my grandma and we would watch the same vhs of moonstruck every week. I never told her how much I hated that movie(its a good movie but not when you’re 8.). We would watch it and then after we would eat ice cream and put on SNL. Opera man era, I would give anything to watch moonstruck again with my grandma.

Throwaway because there’s no chance of me ever saying this in person. As a kid I grew up in a small country community of 3000 people, where I went to school etc. I had a crush on a girl who was 2 years older than me all the way through high school, and when I was 16 I found out she was my half sister as my dad had cheated on my mum. This only came out when she turned 18 and found out who her dad was, prior to that no one knew and my dad and her mum had kept it a secret for 18 years. Completely fucked with me for quite a while that I’d had a crush on my half sister for a number of years.

When me and my siblings were on family vacation, around 10 years old, I put a fire cracker in the toilet and it shattered it. I blamed it on the family friend who came along that year. It was me.

I used to work in a shopping centre. One time as I was walking in to the building I sneezed and totally shit myself, I was about 10 steps away from the shop so I had to think fast. I took a hard left turn and walked direct in to a department store. I only had $5 on me so I beelined for the underpants section and got the cheapest pair I could find. I then had to go to the centre toilets and sort everything out, it was a real mess. I text my boss and told them I was stuck in traffic but in reality I was 100 metres away trying to salvage any shred of dignity I could for the next 20 minutes. I’m happy to say the mission was a success and that day is now the benchmark by which all other days are measured. Every day since has been infinitely better.